Friday, June 16, 2006

Bone shaker

Like any other large corporation Aim-Meck regularly reviews its policies and procedures. When a member of staff, by chance, happened to find one, it would provoke either astonishment, mockery or sometimes even anger. And of all its policies, none was so universally disliked as the Company Car Policy.

It created a two tier society; the 'Haves' and the 'Have nots'. Those staff in possession of a company car would talk loudly about their new Mondeo; its air con and CD player. Those without would whisper under their breaths, ‘you bastard’. But the Haves were never satisfied and would say unto the gods; grant that I may have a better car, for my neighbour to covet. And the Have nots would wait until they left the office and then spit in their coffee. Whilst the Fleet Management team would pour petrol onto the fire with emails like this:

From: Corporate Fleet Management
Sent: 13 March 2001 15:57
To: All Aim-Meck Staff
Cc: Mechanic, Ben

Subject: Mobile Valeting Service

To all company car drivers,

For any Company car driver who allowed his/her children to eat chocolate in the back of their car on a hot summers day, a mobile valeting service will be visiting Aim-Meck offices in two weeks time, please call Ben Mechanic for further details and appointment times.

Head of Corporate Fleet Management

Although Aim-Meck doesn’t have a policy to cover this particular subject, it is accepted as custom and practice that all staff are allowed use of their local company bike. They aren’t always the latest models, by any means, and staff taking them for a ride, do so at their own risk. But despite this, it was a well known fact that nearly all the men in the Creepy office had made use of their office bike, from time to time, and it was even rumoured that one or two of the ladies had too.

The Creepy office bike was a particularly ancient model, indeed she was the proverbial ‘old bone shaker’. But as a senior member of the Business Development Department observed one day, ‘a box of milk tray and just the right lubrication, and she goes like the clappers’

Many a new recruit would discreetly enquire; ‘do you think I could have a ride?’
To which Miss Late Period would always reply ‘course you can darling, meet me in the Queens Head at 8.’


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